Maybe its the change in the weather or something, but I seem to be all over the place at the moment. I feel hopelessly out of control with most things in my life. From eating to money to relationships, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm heading.
Now most of you would say what's the problem with that? But for me its like an alcoholic suddenly being made to go dry. I'm usually so in control of my life, with long term plans mapped out for years to come, that this whole stage of my life is frightening.
So perhaps I should narrow down what is scaring me and find a resolution one step at a time.
Money .... Why does it seem to need to go out faster than it comes in? I still have a generous spirit and like to have the nice things in life, do things for others that usually involves money...Etc and so on. But I know the reality is that I can't continue to do so, I have got to get a grip on my finances and learn to budget. The trouble is that whenever I feel up to doing so I panic and want to bury my head in the sand. I think being on my own and in charge of the household is just scaring me big style, but so far I'm muddling along. The trouble is I don't want to be muddling along, I want to be in control. (Ok, so I know I'm submissive in bed, but it doesn't stop me wanting control in the rest of my life) Thank God I can't get a credit card, at least that is one temptation out of the way.
Which leads me onto relationships. There's this cute guy, who is wonderful and seems to be everything that I could want. But.... I thought that with Cris and look how that turned out! I'll give you that his attitude is very different to Cris and that you can't judge all men the same just because of one or two bad apples.
Robin is wonderful with the girls and keen to be part of their life properly, we've joked about him working abroad and us living with him over there, a fantastic idea, but everything frightens me. I moved from Shepperton to Orpington for Cris, made a new life for him and look what happened. He decided HE didn't love me and that was that. What if the same thing happens again? I can't keep picking myself up and starting again. I don't think I've got the energy to do so.
Even being in a relationship is scaring me to death, I worry about the effect it is having on the children, am I teaching them to sleep about, and that its ok to have continual short term relationships? It doesn't bode well for them as they get older, I'd rather be teaching them to have one long monogamous relationship for life. Old fashioned ideals maybe, but non the less, ones that I would rather they grew up with. Not only that, but my heart feels so battered that I don't know how it would cope if it were hurt again. I'm scared to open up and admit feelings (even to myself) in case it all goes wrong and I'm left alone again. But on the other hand how fair is it to a relationship if I don't really try and let loose with my emotions.
Which all sounds really negative when in reality I want to run headlong down the path of happiness, love and commitment to someone. I just don't want to do so and get hurt again in the process. I want to love and be loved, to care for someone else on a deep level. I want to be their life and have them be mine, to give myself completely to them. But letting go of old hurts and pains is so hard, each step fought along the way, but I will not give up and let my past destroy my future. It is in the past and will stay there, I am in the present and I have the future ahead of me.
Anyway, time to wrap up the navel gazing session and head over to Jacqui's to see what the man from Moben can come up with for their kitchen. She needs back up and support as she is not signing on any dotted line today!
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